Does This Darkness Have a Name?

How do people get to be in such dark and lonely places? Is there any one person to blame? In this clip from Season 3, Episode 16 of One Tree Hill, I understand perfectly where Jimmy Edwards, the school's shooter, is coming from and what type of pain he is feeling. That kind of agony is unbearable, and once you go through something like that, it feels like there is no way you could possibly bounce back from it. There is no hope. You feel so empty, and broken. And what's worse is that it's always there, like a virus. It feels like no matter what you do or where you go or how hard you try, that feeling will not go away. Is there anything to fill the void that has been placed in the middle of your chest, like the black spot of a pirate doomed for death? Is that our real life version of the black spot? Is anyone who feels this pain inevitable to foresee a horrible ending, like Jimmy? I don't know, but here's what might help - if we could all somehow just stop being so incredibly narrow minded and stubborn,  it may just help save someone's life. Someone like Jimmy. Someone like me. Anyone who ever felt invisible, as if their story didn't matter. Everyone has a story. Some people just can't see how vital theirs is. Just open your eyes.

Your Heart's Desire

 “Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.”
~Epicurus


How do you know what your heart's desire is? What do you do when you finally find it? Do you want more of that one thing, or do you find something else to chase after? If so, is running after thing upon thing any way to life? What about finally achieving true happiness in its purest form? Deep down, I think that's where our heart's desire ultimately leads us. At the end of the day we are convinced that it is our heart's desire that will finally allow us to achieve great happiness, anything that makes us feel larger than life.

What if we don't know what our desire is? What if it's a list of things we want, but seem so far fetched and out of reach? And for me, the list keeps changing and growing longer. Maybe that's part of the point - things change. Our goals and ambitions change. Maybe that's why finding what truly matters to us is so difficult. For me it is, anyway. I'm 21 years old, half way finished with my bachelor's degree, and I still have absolutely no idea what my heart's desire is.

 I know what I want to feel one day down the road, but I just don't know when, or even if it will ever happen for me. I want to know what it's like to fall in love, yet I don't even know if true love exists. From what I've seen real people go through, love seems utterly useless and pointless, and marriage seems like the last legal form of slavery, especially for women (I never bought into the idea that women are supposed to be submissive to men. My brother once told me that this is a man's world, and that I should get used to it. I've resented him ever since then).

Yet from what I've read in books and heard so many supposed 'true stories' about, there has to be some basis around that, right? Is there something or someone out there that counteracts all the hypocrisy that I have seen in relationships thus far? I hope so, but yet again, it seems to get pushed farther down my list. I thought that if I went to college and got a job that I love and build a career for myself, maybe that would give me some sort of fulfillment. Yet, here I am, four semesters into college and I am still uncertain of what my dream job is. All this time I've been taking classes in Journalism and English, while minoring in Anthropology. I know I love reading and writing, yet I have no idea what kind of job I want after graduation that I would not dread waking up in the morning for.

Maybe that's also the point of this journey we're on. We get distracted. We want to make marks on the world. We want to feel important. We want to feel needed, and loved, and important to someone else. That is to say, unless all of this isn't right in front of our eyes and we didn't see it. The point of this journey is to find our heart's desire, whatever it or they may be. Sometimes we lose our way - and sometimes that helps us see things all the more clearly. I don't know what my dream is, but I'm trying to figure it out. Take one step at a time and just breathe. No matter what anyone says, no one has all the answers. Everyone is confused. People are falling to pieces as they sleep alone and cry themselves to sleep in the midst of this confusion. So how do we deal with all the confusion while we search for what we desire most, for how we define ourselves?

Well, right now...all I want to do is scream.

People say they have how many hundreds of Facebook friends or Twitter followers. But how many of them do they really know? Why do we spend more time behind a screen than talking with someone fave to face? When was the last time you sat down with someone, one on one, and purposefully set aside any cell phones, laptops, tablets, television, or any other distractions in order to just get to know someone better? When did having a real conversation with someone become so hard?
Maybe it's not technology to blame. Maybe people have gotten lazy, suffering from digital dementia. Just because you spend a lot of time with someone doesn't mean you know their darkest secrets or even simple that are details plain as day, things that are screaming in front of their faces.
Have social media sites allowed us to become anti-social? To shut everyone in out lives out? And to offer up a more important question, does anyone seem to care?

Sonny's Blues

Dean Koontz wrote, "I'm so different. You've always respected that difference, and you've always trusted it. Trust me now. There's a reason I am the way I am…There's always a reason." You can learn a lot from people who view the world differently. They can teach you to feel something new, to experience life in a way you never imagined possible. Oftentimes, people think that these types of people are outlandish to say the least. Artists, musicians, scientists, poets and writers - these types of people bring about new and fresh ideas by the bundle. Unfortunately, not everyone sees things the way they do, if for no other reason than because they do not understand the way their minds work.

This is very true in the case of the narrator in James Baldwin's short story "Sonny's Blues." The narrator's brother, Sonny, comes across as the typical suffering artist who just wants to play jazz all the time, and his brother is just the opposite - a math teacher who has his family to think about. They aren't close by any means and lead very contrasting lives. Both these men have experienced some pretty heavy situations in their lives thus far. Both have experienced pain and the death of family members and loved ones. However, experiencing pain does not necessarily make up the qualities of a suffering artist. In fact, one does not need to experience any serious type of pain, suffering, or agony to be considered an artist. Sonny understood that. His brother, however, took a bit longer to be convinced of what, in the back of his mind, he might have known all along to be true.

Being an artist is all about perception. It consists of how someone sees the world as well as what they intend to do about what they take notice of. Sonny and the narrator react to things conflictingly. Both experienced the tragic deaths of their uncle, parents, and the narrator's children. Everyone reacts differently to situations like this. The narrator reacts by denying any and all emotions regarding these events. He does not want to think about them. He wants to pretend they never happened. Sonny, however, reacts differently. To a true artist, the world at times can be sensory overload, and it helps to have some sort of a relief to assist in making sense of it all. This is probably why Sonny, among many other artists in the world, is more prone to depression as well as alcohol and drug addiction. Though these addictions are not healthy was of making the thoughts go away, they are used as a temporary escape from the noise going on inside an artist's head. While the narrator decides that keeping quiet about what has happened to him will make his life better, Sonny knows better. This is what led him to music in the first place.

Any artist, suffering or not, has thoughts going on in his or her head all the time. Thoughts about the world, its inhabitants, and how they may or may not change things or events that makes up this world. Sonny most likely experienced this. James Baldwin writes, "The music seemed to soothe a poison out of them; and time seemed, nearly, to fall away from the sullen, belligerent, battered faces." When Sonny plays the piano, he experiences something his brother does not understand. Not yet. When his fingers hit those keys, the world just sort of gets quiet, and for a brief moment, or even the extent of the song he is playing, things make sense and everything is just right in the world. It's perfect. Baldwin also writes, "But when you try all kinds of ways to keep from drowning in it, to keep on top of it, and to make it seem - well, like you." This is how Sonny deals with any type of pain or stress that comes his way. This is how he differs from his brother, and this is what makes him a good artist.

What makes a great artist is a person's ability to make others realize what they have realized. A big part of being an artist is perception. This includes both what a person sees and what they hear in their day to day life. It does not always have to do with suffering, but with how the world is viewed through their eyes and ears. Baldwin writes, "And when you finally try to get with it and play it, you realize nobody's listening. So you've got to listen. You've got to find a way to listen." An artist's job is not just to view, listen, and learn. The huge key to being a fantastic artist is his or her ability to make others hear what they are listening to and to see what they are seeing. If he or she does the job veraciously, others will be able to connect with them. Having a connection with people, even just a small sum of them, is often times what keeps us sane in this crazy life.

This is something Sonny struggled with enlightening the people in his life throughout most of the story, as he most likely felt very disconnected from his family. No one listens to him or acknowledges that he has something to say that can help everyone cope with the past and move forward to the future. That in itself is the point of art, in all its forms. One of the greatest struggles of any artist is to find the power to effect change, to make people listen. How many people really have that power?
Sonny did not make this big connection until later when he convinces his brother to come to a club he will be playing at. It seems apparent that upon first entering this new world that he obviously does not encounter often, the narrator is unsure of neither how to behave nor what to expect. This is often how non-artists first encounter the thoughts and viewpoints of an artist whose ideas they are convinced they will never fully comprehend. Somewhere along the lines, things change. The same people who called the artists, scientists, poets, musicians, and writers outlandish and incompetent now understand where these people are coming from.

Baldwin writes, "All I know about music is that not many people ever really hear it…But the man who creates the music is hearing something else, is dealing with the roar rising from the void and imposing on it as it hits the air." As the narrator hears his brother's music, he finally makes the connection. It's inherently clear that this is the moment Sonny truly becomes an artist, suffering or not. It is when the narrator realizes the reason for his brother's passion for music. His music picks up where his words fail. The narrator suddenly feels peace among a strange and often chaotic world. Although Sonny performs no new music, he keeps the meaning behind the tunes real and pertinent. He creates an outlet to make sense of life.

This, of course, does not work if no one is listening. However, in the grand scheme of things, that is the point of a true artist. The job is make others hear and see what you notice each and every day. Baldwin also mentions that "Freedom lurked around us and I understood, at last, that he could help us to be free if we would listen, that he would never be free until we did." The whole objective of the artist is to make people understand how he or she thinks. This doesn't always mean the artists suffering. It could very well just mean that they feel trapped, that they're struggling to find a way to get what they need to say out in the open for all to hear, understand, and appreciate. The artist's job has forever been to make sure people appreciate the little details in life many people often forget about.

*Side Note: This is actually a paper I wrote for an Intro to Literature: Fiction class I took at Tri-C in the Fall 2013 semester. 

Just Blind People

"Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it - every, every minute?
-That's all human beings are: Just blind people."
 -Thornton Wilder, Our Town

How often do we take for granted the simplest things in life? I've been thinking lately that what one person considers a small and trivial part of their lives could be that one thing that other people are longing for. Clean water and a roof over our heads...some people can't even afford that luxury.

The ability to take a walk down the beach, take the dog for a morning run, or take a midnight stroll through the park...what about Sgt. William Gibson, who lost a leg in Iraq, or gymnast Jennifer Bricker, who was born without legs? That didn't stop them from doing much of anything they set their minds to.

So why are the rest of us holding back? Life is much too short to worry about stupid little things. It's too short to hold back. I spent most of my high school years locked away because I was afraid. Afraid of people. Of getting hurt, or stabbed in the back. I'd seen someone very close to me get hurt by someone he loved, and he's moved on, but hasn't really been the same since.

In, high school, I figured if I kept to myself, I'd be protecting myself from ending up just like him. That is now one of my biggest fears. But now that I think about it, I was hurting no one but myself.

I'm grateful for:

• Hot Coffee  
• Shooting Stars     
• American Horror Story  
• Snail mail and handwritten notes
• Topsail Island, North Carolina (my family's favorite vacation spot)
• Home-cooked meals
• Boy Meets World 
• Disappointment - so you know what matters most 
• Star gazing 
• Fear - so you know where you need to grow 
• Hunting for shells, sharks teeth, & sea glass on the beach
• The sound of the waves crashing on the shore 
• Abbott and Costello movies
• Ted Dekker novels
• The sound of violins
•  Old school boy bands (N*sync, Backstreet Boys, New Kids on the Block, 98 Degrees)
• Haunted houses 
• Rainbows - giving you something to look forward to after the rain 
• 8 Simple Rules  
• The sound of rain, thunderstorm, and waves on the beach 
• Snow Days   
• Watching the leaves change during autumn weather 
• Noise - so you can appreciate the silence
• Inside jokes ~ everyone needs a little laughter    
• Starbucks   
• Fireplaces  
• Sarah Dessen novels 
• Melt Bar and Grilled
• A job - even crappy one, like the one I currently have. At least it's money, right?
• Family traditions (some of mine include baking Christmas cookies and going to Topsail Island every summer).
• Lazy summer days 
• swimming, reading a book by the pool without a care in the world
• Watching the sun rise and/or set    
• Falling asleep to the sound of falling rain 
• The smell of coffee shops 
• Libraries & bookstores   
• Swenson's Drive-In Restaurant

Digging For the Truth

"I worked 100, 110, 120 hours per week on new initiatives, new courses, new marketing collateral. I hired a full-time publicist for the school, to make sure people knew that BOSS could teach them ways to get through the tough times. We could reduce anxiety, increase mental resolve. But the reality was that people couldn't take courses if they had no money, and I wasn't being very smart about the realities of the economy. Nor was I living a particularly balanced life, working endless nights and neneglecting what I needed to be happy. Then, on January 18, 2002, one of my instructors sent me this story via e-mail:

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist standing nearby complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.

"Not very long," answered the Mexican.

"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the American. The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.

The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children,  and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs...I have a full life."

The American interrupted. "I'd like to give you some advice. I'm a manager with GE, have an MBA from Harvard, and I can help you! If you start fishing longer every day, you can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat. With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third  one and so on, until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middleman, you can negotiate directly with the processing plants, and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge enterprise."

"How long would that take?" asked the Mexican.

"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American.

"And after that?"

"Afterward? That's when it gets interesting," answered the American, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks an make millions!"

"Millions? Really? And after that?"

"After that, you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta, and spend your evenings drinking with and enjoying your friends!' "

-Excerpt from Digging for the Truth by Josh Bernstein

Lesson Learned - Happy New Year!

2012 was a big year for me, now that I think about it. I started a new job. I got accepted into my choice college. I graduated high school. I began college (I'm only one semester in, so I'm sure this list below is bound to expand at one point or another). I met a few friends. I lost a few friends.

 But the biggest thing that happened was that I learned is that life rarely turns out the way you plan it. Most of the time our plans are just that - plans. It's strange to think that this time last year I was a senior in high school who'd just finished applying to college. If you asked me then where I thought I'd be right now, I would've told you I'd be sharing a studio apartment with a couple roommates in downtown Chicago working on my bachelor's degree in journalism, that life would be great.

Instead, I'm working on an associates degree at community college with the intentions to transfer to a four-year-school to get my bachelor's degree afterwords. I'm still working five days a week washing dishes at a local family owned restaurant in my home town. I still live under the same roof I've lived under my entire life. In that sense, much of my life is still the same.

While applying to college, I was so excited of the thought of living in the city, which would be totally different than the safe suburban neighborhood I've grown so used to. I had just paid my tuition fee when I changed my mind and thankfully got my money back.

Do I regret my decision to stay at home for another two years or so until I get an Associate of Arts degree? No, I really don't. I'm definitely saving a lot of  money by living at home and attending community college first as apposed to living six hours away from my family in the city. Although now that I think about it, my life would've definitely been different if I would've done just that - move out on my own with only a few grand saved away from working part-time in high school. But I've also learned to be perfectly content with where I'm at and with what I've got. And I really am.

Sure, going to community college wasn't my first intention, but I do think it'll be worth it in the long run. At first, I kind of scrunched my nose at the idea, and wasn't very excited about it. But the more I think about it, even now, I realize that aside from cutting a couple thousand dollars from college expenses (and college is very expensive), I also get a little more time to spend with my family. I do have my parents, four brothers, a sister, a sister-in-law, and two nieces that I might not get to see as often if I lived six hours away. I'm currently learning to appreciate what I've got, while I've got it, and to stop living in the past. The best you can do is to learn from the past and move on with the current life God has blessed you with.

 I can hope I'll get to that vision of how I'd like things to be in my head eventually (because that, honestly, is my biggest problem nine times out of ten. I get these images and visions of how I'd like things to be, and when they don't work out just like that, I tend to want to give up). The only thing I know for sure these days is that I don't know much of anything. I don't know exactly what I'm doing. I don't know exactly where I'm going, or where I'll end up five to ten years from now. But I do hope that I'll be living a full life, doing work that I love, and be surround by people that I love. I'm willing to start at the bottom. And I know I can rest assured that God has a plan for my life. Just because I can't see how my life is going to unfold, doesn't give me any reason to give up on my passions. That's no excuse to for me to stop living a full life, or to stop running the race to which my Creator has called me (Ephesians 4:1).

I've felt like I was going nowhere before. I've felt like I've hit rock bottom. But the way I see it, once you hit rock bottom, you have nowhere to go but up, up and away.

I've compiled a list of things I've learned thus far. Things that make my life just a little different in a sense.

•  Life rarely turns out the way you plan it.
• You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.
• No matter how much you care, some people just don't care back.
• It takes years to build up trust, but only seconds to destroy it.
• No matter how thin you slice it, there are always two sides to every story.
• It's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be, and to get where I want to go. 
• It's a lot easier to react than it is to think. 
• You can keep going long after you think you can't. 
•  I’m not cool, and I’m cool with that.
• Money is a lousy way of keeping score. 
• If you find yourself swimming with all the other fish, go the other way. They don’t know where they’re going either (thank you, Mayans).
• The hardest goodbyes are the ones that are never said nor explained. 
• Change is the only permanent thing in life.
• Fitness doesn't happen overnight.  
• Being a night owl is a difficult habit to break (I'm still working on it). 
• My best friend and I can do anything or nothing at all and have the best time. 
• It's okay to make mistakes. That's how you learn. I'd rather have to many "oh well"s than "what if"s.  
• Writer’s block is overrated. Look around you! Inspiration is everywhere.
• Bad things do happen to good people.
• Maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
• Curiosity may have killed the cat, but losing it altogether kills the spirit.
• High school made me realize friends can turn to strangers in an instant. 
• No matter how good a friend someone is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while.
• No matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.
• Two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
• Take criticism, ignore critics. Smart people will give you ways in which you can improve constructively. Other people will tell you about everything you're doing wrong, and that you're an idiot. Ignore the latter. 
•  True friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distances.
•  Though I hate to admit it, a condom is the glass slipper for our generation. You slip one on when you meet a stranger. You dance all night, and then you throw it away.
•  Some relationships are like glass. It’s better to leave it broken, than to hurt yourself more by trying to put it back together. 
• Choose your relationships wisely. I'd rather be alone than in bad company.  
• I've still got a lot to learn. 

*May everyone apply these lessons to their lives and have a blessed New Year!